I spoke with my grandmother today, something I haven’t done in a long time. She hasn’t been too well so I wanted to speak with her to hear from her how she was. At 86, you can’t really take time for granted. When we spoke she told me things of her first husband Robin, who was killed in World War II on the HMAS Swan. Of her second husband – my grandfather – Ron, who she married, and then soon after her honeymoon, typed up his orders to send him to the worst fighting zone in Papua New Guinea as it was being pounded by the Japanese Navy. At this time she was working in an administrative division in Brisbane as a secretary. She told me of the tears she had in her eyes as she typed up his orders and then put them into the post pile knowing there was a good chance she would never see him again. This was because she was also typing up the casuality reports for the military executive branch, and only 1 in 10 infantry soldiers were making it out alive. But survive he did, and so she told me a little of some of the years after my grandfather returned about how they became a pioneer family living in a rugged part of Queensland on the coastline where my grandfather was a fisherman. Finally she told me of how she had received a medal from the Australian government the other day to commemorate the 60 year anniversary of that war, as recognition for her part in it, and her generations.

Throughout, I was amazed at her story, and the things she’d seen… and endured. I always saw my grandmother as someone strong and tough in the face of adversity, but I never really understood where that came from. Listening to her this morning, I started to see it.

Hers was a generation that lay witness to perhaps the most changes in the world, than any single generation that has ever lived. When my grandmother was born, horse drawn carts were how country people travelled, cars were only just starting to be used. And communication was only by telegram and letter. She even still uses the term “trunk call” for a phone call outside a local area. Something that was used back in the old old days of telecoms when you had to talk to an operator to “trunk” a connection manually to go outside of your immediate zone. I astound her with my “tales of electronic wizardry” using email and instant messenger to stay in contact with family and friends, and websites for posting photos, and this my online journal. These now being things that are so everyday to us who own this modern age, that they are no more fantastic than a blender, or a mobile phone.

And yet, in the same way, when I talk with her, I am astounded to hear her speaking of history like it was yesterday. She speaks of things I have learned in books with the vivid memory of someone who was there, and who will never forget because she sacrificed part of herself, like so many others, because they had no choice. She isn’t sorry or bitter for any of it, because as she said, that was just how it was back then; they did the things they had to to survive, and that was that.

As I put the phone down, I felt like I had for a brief time been in the presence of someone amazing, and it made me feel good. I feel that in no small way, the strength that flows in my heart and body, has its wellspring in my grandmother.

God bless her.

Padwanna!

So I turn 37 in a less than 2 weeks! It’s a bit of a dilemma actually because I don’t really know what I am supposed by like at this age. I know that I probably am not your typical mainstream 37 year old. Anyone mainstream at this age has kids. Not having kids and being 37 is almost rebellious, like when you were a kid and you went out and drank in a bar before you were legally allowed.

37 actually sounds ‘middle aged’. The thing is I am essentially the same person now as when I was 28. And living the same kind of life style too; not married, don’t have any kids, still got all my hair, listening to cool music, still trying to do interesting things. Pretty much the only way I can tell I am not 28 anymore is that it takes a lot longer to recover from a hangover. But 37 is different from 28. It’s a friggin lot older, is what it is! You know I was always someone that never wanted to settle for a life where I just got a job and then got married and then faded away into obscurity in the Bris-vegas suburbs like everyone else. I’ve never wanted that! To me, being 37 and living in the burbs would be death! Life becomes this non-existance where you just fade away. At least living in Amsterdam means that I am doing something extraordinary that gives my life special meaning.

But what now? Should I get married and have kids? Because lets face it, I aint getting any younger. I mean, maybe if I don’t get married now, maybe I won’t be able to when I turn 40 because maybe my hair starts to go. Jezuz, 40 and no hair! Fucking hell! Then I’ll be doomed to never get married, because if you don’t have hair, nobody wants you. It’s true, otherwise hair replacement wouldn’t be a business sector! And that’s what all the advertisements say in mens magazines as well.

No hair and nobody wants you? Well that’s cause you’re massively fuckin ugly and not virile without hair. But don’t panic, sex can be yours again. For a ton of money we’ll stitch genuine imitation hair onto your head in any kind of part that you want. It may not look real; it may even look really stupid, but you’ll have hair where until now you’ve only dreamed about! And won’t the chicks love it. You’ll get laid morning, noon and night. You’ll get laid so much your dick will probably fall off, so call us now and have your creditcard standing by!

Yeah okay, enough melodrama. I’m not going to run out and get married just yet while I still have hair. If I’m not married when I turn 40 I can always buy a Russian bride for like 100 euro. True love only a click away (or so the tagline on the site goes).

I keep hoping that if I practice saying 37 enough times that it will start to feel more comfortable. So far it’s not working.

37… 37… 37… err… 37… still not working.

But seriously I can’t be the only one turning 37 and feeling like this. There has to be loads of us Generation X kids all growing up and hitting the same age. Our generation wasn’t known for conforming and following in their parents footsteps (the baby boomers). Perhaps there is even a club, or a support group out there in yahoo groups or google groups somewhere for ‘my kind’. Hmmm… tomorrow when I am supposed to be working I will run a few searches through the regular search engines and see if I can turn one up. If they formed a club for lepers on an island in the tropics, they surely have a ‘Generation X Growing Up’ support group somewhere.

But seriously, seriously! I do wonder if maybe I should start conforming a bit more to societies standard for my age group. Maybe settling down and not trying to hold on to a lifestyle that should have passed by now is a good way to go. Perhaps the obscurity of the burbs isn’t such a bad place to be. Many fine people live there, and do good things with their daily lives. Most of them are boring as shit, but is that important? Yet even the thought becoming one of them rubs a part of mind up the wrong way with sandpaper! Hunter S Thompson never settled down in the burbs, he lived as an original and defined an age with his lifestyle. Mind you he also blew his head off with a shotgun, so perhaps he’s not the ideal person to use as a role model.

I guess in the end, the closer I get to my birthday the more worried I get that I should be doing something differently. But then after it passes I shall settle back into my normal self. I hope so, because otherwise I’ll start worrying that I am neurotic. And worrying about being neurotic will sure as hell make you neurotic if you weren’t already!

Padwanna!

It’s been a relaxing weekend. I’ve really had a good time. Somehow I have to convince my work to let me have every second Monday off so I can add an extra day to my weekend every other week. Making the weekends last a bit longer would be just the thing to making life a bit happier.

Well I have been thinking more this weekend about the direction of life, and about changing mine. I think all the posts and all the deep thoughts are finally coalescing to a point where I will begin my change – the change – in my life. I feel ready for it. Sometimes change is as much about timing as it is about the change itself. That sounds a bit zen really.

I’ve had two weeks off doing any exercise or training, and the way my stomach has happily expanded over that time has shown me that change is an everyday thing, though you may not realise it. You may not notice change until some time has passed, but the reality of change is, it happens every day in small amounts. I think it was worth getting a bit of a gut to make this realisation. To understand something conceptually is one thing, but to see your guts getting fatter after eating junk food every day for two weeks is to really believe with conviction!

Looking back now at this blow out I have been living for the last two weeks not training (initially because of a wrist injury and giving it time to heal), it’s like it has been a short term experiment with my life. I swung the pendulum of behaviour to the other side and totally lived opposite to the way I do normally. Watching the changes day by day gave me a much expanded perspective on how changes occur. Most importantly it showed me that insignificant change on a daily basis become a big change when you take in a long time frame. Well maybe that is easy to say and to think you understand, but how many times have we woken up and said to ourselves, shit how did I end up here where I am now? Really if we looked back on each individual day and look at what happened, then we always know how, but we just didn’t notice it happening at the time. By the same token though, how many times have we actively decided to persue something and then worked at it day by day over time, and then acheived it. No matter how big or small.

Day by day, that’s the key! I look down at my fat guts (for me) and I now understand, it’s all about day by day, and planning. It isn’t that hard to plan one day at a time. One day is the easiest of all things to plan out. It’s hard to take in a change over 3 years, but over 1 day, very simple!

Well it’s back to the training routine tomorrow… cause this gut has served its purpose and now it’s time for it to go! Luckily that’s only 14 days!

Padwanna.

There is a stillness to the night right now. It’s 12.41am and it’s all quiet outside in my middle class suburb. It’s very peaceful, and also very fucking cold! I don’t have any central heating in my flat right now, and so it’s damn cold inside. Maybe 14 degrees. I’m sort of used to it, but not in an eskimo kind of way. I still feel it, but it’s just I am better at ignoring it compared to when I was still living in Bris-vegas!

I really don’t want to have to go through a day at work tomorrow, but I don’t see any way around it. I suppose that’s a feeling a lot of us have; feeling like not going to work for whatever reason, but still going because we don’t have any other options for paying the bills at the end of the month. That’s ‘the grind’! Well I’ve decided I’m going to change my life and get out of the grind! Really there has to be a better way! And I think I have found one. I’m going to try writing a trashy romance novel and send it a trashy romance publisher like Mills and Boon, or Harlequin.

Err… what are going to do that for? I hear you asking. Well good question, there are a couple of reasons! -1- I am getting a lot of motivation to find a new way to make a living because what I do now just doesn’t do it for me anymore (I don’t think it ever really did). -2- I actually kind of like trashy romance novels and so I think it could be a totally fun thing to do. (And having fun is what life is all about.) -3- It pays well, and I mean really well if you can get signed with a publishing house to do books on contract. -4- I’m feeling really inspired by all the writers I seem to be making contact with. And -5- I have this ‘now or never’ feeling that if I don’t do this now, then I am never going to do this, and I will be stuck doing what I am doing for the rest of my life! Yeah well that thought alone is enough to motivate to go running naked in a snowstorm!

Writing is slowly becoming the central activity in my life. I’m doing that deliberately because I am trying to learn the craft of it. I do wonder though if anyone will buy trashy romance stories written by a guy? Well lucky for me, I have a good friend that has helped me find a really sophisticated pseudonum that should do the trick. (Thanks Lena!)

But one step at a time, let’s just get Friday over and done with first!

Padwanna!

Hah haaah! I did it!

1 hour 35 minutes later, it’s all clean and shiney fresh in my little art deco city flat! What a fucking legend!

Yeah well, it’s not so much art deco as traveller-backpacker-meets-suburban-city-boy.

At any rate it’s clean done! And I probably did break the record for most dumbass blog posts under intense pressure! Is that an honour? I dunno! Is being able to stick the most amount of cigarettes up your nose an honour? Dunno that either!

Where the hell is this visitor?

… phone rings…

Heh heh… well they just rang to say they were going to be late!

LOL )

Isn’t that ironic!

Padwanna!

I have done the bathroom and the living room and now am about to move into the kitchen.

14 minutes to go…

As well I am trying to get into the guiness book of records for the most of amount of stupid dumbass blog entries whilst under intense pressure. I wonder what that record is actually?

12 minutes to go…

ooohhhh… look at that thing there… no, no must stay focused! Do not look at thing!

11 minutes to go…

*springs into action and leaps around like a spaso monkey in an animal testing lab*

P.

WAAAHHH… People are coming over to my place tonight!

OH MY GOD!!!

Why don’t I keep my place cleaner?!

Don’t panic… right, bathroom first, then the kitchen, then mop the floors, then vacuum the rest of the flat, then dust the table tops, then wish the dishes, then have a shower.

I have 1 hour and 15 minutes… I can make it…

Why the hell am I standing over the keyboard writing this frigging entry!!

DON’T PANIC!!!!

P.

Another jab at G.W.B. This one courtesy of my excellent and fantastic friend Lena back home in Helensvale.

Stupid is as stupid does

Padwanna!

After re-reading that last entry, I have decided the first thing I am going to do is finally make time for my 20 minutes of meditation at the end of the day, which I have been talking about for last 5 years.

I learned mediation technique at the London Bhuddist Center at Holloway Road a few years ago. For the time that I did do this at the end of an evening, I found my mental state to be sharper and my problem solving abilities to more effective.

As Master Yoda said, “there is no try, there is do, or do not”!

So I will do.

Padwanna!

For the first time in a month I find myself in my flat alone. The mate that I had staying with me – the one who was going through a seperation with his wife – has gone back home to patch things up. So now it’s Saturday just past midday and my place is eerily quiet. There is no noise from the kitchen where my friend would be now being playing a “Perfect Circle” CD whilst painting away at some artwork on the table. There is no idle banter going backwards and forwards between us. There is no noise from my upstairs neighbours, and there isn’t even any noise from the streets outside. Right now, I’m living in a bubble that is perfectly insulated; a capsule suspended in reality where nothing touches me inside. I have the feeling that if I concentrate hard enough I can mould the reality outside of my flat to be anything I want, anything I desire; I can create my own existence…

… and then a emergency services vehicle screams past, siren blaring, tyres screeching, and I am broken out of my reverie…

Well for the brief moment while it lasted it was good. But it brings up a good point actually. We all occupy the same world, but the way we perceive it is unique and individual unto ourselves. Let me make two very blatant examples to illustrate my point. G.W.Bush sees terrorist and enemies on all sides and makes decisions based on this world view. The Dalai Lama sees a multitude of potential bhuddas, and so goes about the world teaching in the hopes that he can assist someone to acheive their potential. Yet it’s the same world, and what they see outside the window is the same picture.

Bill Hicks the comedian said at the end of one of his live acts that I watched, the world can change and be a better place, and all it takes is for each of us to make that decision. It’s not difficult, we just have to make the decision to change and make it better!

After I heard that, I really thought a lot about it. I think that’s how it is with true wisdom; the very wise ideas are often very simple, so simple they are incredibly hard to understand because of their simplicity, which in turn means you spend a lot of time thinking about it to make sense of it and incorporate it into your own world view. We can change our view of the world – our picture outside the window – and bend it to our own reality to a very great degree. We need only change our own mind and change the filters through which we look at the world. If you look for bad things, you will see bad things; if you look for good things, you will see good things. It really is that simple. The only thing that makes it hard, is ourself.

This is not to say you become a naive idiot who bumbles about getting fucked over at every turn because you act like you have an IQ of 53. There is a difference between positive living and foolish ignorance. One does not have to be the other.

A famous sports psychologist back in Bis-vegas (I can’t remember his name but he was the coach of the Rugby League club I followed when I there) said, if you do something for 90 days it will become a habit. That’s anything! If you light up a cigarette in the morning upon waking up, after 90 days you will do it automatically. If you stop smoking cigarettes for 90 days after waking up, you will automatically not smoke first thing in the morning. So if what he’s saying is right (and I have no reason to doubt him because my team won the premiership for 2 years running) then you can “train” yourself to do anything and be anything you want. You simply have to make the choice in your head to do it. It’s easy if you think it will be. Maybe the acheivement takes a lot longer than 90 days, but at the very least 90 days gets you started down the path enough that you keep going.

We see what we want to see, and we are who want to be. All you have to do is choose.

I reckon I might give that a go!

Padwanna.