Mentalechoes

I’m looking out my window, into the darkness of the night feeling rather comforted. I’m playing Smoking Prophet by Thierry Princiotta on winamp; a really nice housey lounge collection, which is giving the world outside a happy feel to it.

Today was the last day of a five day work stint where I’ve devoted no less than 18 hour a day to a project building the next generation flagship product for the company that currently employs me. Been living off 3 - 4 hours sleep a night for that time. I’m physically spent! I have nothing left inside me to give. My head is a mess; my sleeping patterns are shot to hell; and I’ve aged a couple of years in the mirror. The only other time I look like this is late sunday afternoon after a weekend with the mates in London when the hangover and class A comedown hit me all at once!

Jezuz… what was it all for? Nobody said thanks apart from my immediate boss who is also my friend. But the CEO knew how much effort we put in, and he didn’t say anything to show any appreciation. I get the feeling nobody gives a shit what we had to do to get the project done, as long as it got done.

Ahh well, this is really just another job in a long line of jobs that don’t really mean anything to me. It makes me wonder how people have careers. I mean a career is something for people who really like what they do and want to do it their whole life. What do the rest of us have? I’m not doing my job because I love it, I’m just doing it cause I have to pay bills at the end of the month like everyone else, and it pays well. Does that make me a whore?

I work so hard for someone else, yet I never seem to give the same effort to my own projects.

Talk, talk, talk! That’s what I’m best at! The action part has always been more elusive. But what if I’m no good! What if I don’t have any talent! A lot of times I think it might be better to do nothing and live in the knowledge that I may have untapped potential, rather than do something and be proven to be fucking useless!

Did Hunter ever have these problems? Maybe thats what all the drugs were for.

Sleep.

I need sleep.

Sleep deprivation makes the world a more jaded place; more sharp around the edges; twisted in places. People seem more twisted. And yet funny! Today I started laughing uncontrollably when someone told me a joke that was completely unfunny. The whole irony of his unfunny joke sent me into a fit of laughter that had tears in my eyes. He thought I was making fun of him and left pretty quickly. I wasn’t though, it was just… I’m not myself right now.

Sleep deprivation can make you hallucinate too. I’m kind of used to it though. I used to stay up for 3 or 4 days at a time a few years back when I was unemployed and had a serious speed habit. I used to like the hallucinations, but at the end of eight months, I think I was borderline schizoid; I used to hear to voices all the time when I was trying to sleep. I’m glad it all passed when I straightened out.

Too much stress, too much sin! It can’t be good for you! Got to make it to 50.

Got to sleep!

Padwanna!