Mentalechoes

I’m in a funny mood tonight. It’s twenty minutes or so before midnight. I didn’t walk in the front door until a few minutes before 10pm. When I came in I threw some unopened mail from my ISP onto the kitchen table, it’s probably a reminder that I am 2 months overdue on the account. I was feeling dog tired so I lay down on the couch and turned on the TV, there was a show on the BBC about dark matter narrated by Ian Holmes, the guy who played Bilbo in PJ’s Lord of Rings Trilogy. It was pretty fucking interesting but I ended up falling asleep for half of it and missed the part about how it’s going to change all our lives for the better. Feeling very unsatisfied with what followed it - some shit about animals in hospital - I got up and came over to my computer.

I tuned winamp to the ETN.FM progressive house channel as soon as I sat down. I find I have to listen to music these days. Not need to, have to! ETN.FM is the one station that I have found that plays the music I just love! It’s like they just know what I want most to listen to, and they play it for me. There was such an excellent set playing by Artic Quest that I felt like racking up a couple of lines to get more into the mood of it, but I didn’t! For a little while I just browsed around a couple of music sites downloading some new stuff from different sessions, and a couple of freeloads from a favourite DJ of mine, Kenneth Thomas. All the while listening to the sweet tunes coming out my speakers.

I keep having these feelings like I am so close to knowing how to make everything in life work. The trancey sounds really sharpen my thoughts and feelings, and I find it so much easier to think when I am listening to music. I can’t do any real thinking these days without listening to music. Maybe it’s because our emotions are so much a part of the thinking process that if our heart is seperated from our mind, what you end up with is something hollow; abstracted from ourselves.

I can feel myself slipping deeper into a process of analysis of the world and there are these fleeting moments where the answers to all my questions just flit into range of my fingertips and then flit away. It all so nearly makes sense… but then I just can’t hold on to it. There has to be a convergence of all these things soon. I feel I am so close… so close.

Then a memory comes to my mind as the tempo picks up with a hard house track. I’m doing a tarot card spread with 13 in number. It depicts my life; past, present and future. My then girlfriend Mariska begins to read the little description sheet she has for the cards, but as I look and concentrate on them my head is flooded with images. Like a movie, but with feelings and really strong emotions. I begin to cry at one point as I see a pattern in the cards, in my life, in my lives before and and after, and where it all leads. The last card - the card of my destiny - is the King of Pentacles in a positive aspect; mastery of the physical world. It is success, power, financial abundance, happiness. As I looked at that card I experienced the same feeling of seeing the world and nearly understanding what it was all about, but not quite.

Is it possible that we already know the answers to all our big questions, but we just don’t realise that we do? Buddhist meditation masters tell of how in very deep states of meditation they can access all the knowledge of the universe. I often wonder what this means; what it must feel like to know EVERYTHING!

My life, the pendulum, has swung to its furtherest arc on the side of unchecked indulgence. I can feel different mental energies shifting to bring about a physical focus. These will manifest themselves in a behaviour change. I can recognise this shift now as something that is normal and natural in my life, and instead of fighting it, I can flow with it. It will be something new for me to not fight myself when change happens.

The one constant I have right now is good tunes and the vibes they create inside me.

Mind, body, and soul!

Padwanna!