Mentalechoes

Finally I saw a light at the end of the tunnel at work today. I think my project is going to go live on saturday. The upshot being, I can have my life back! I’ll have to work this weekend again, the third one in a row, but then it will be over. Finito! The way I see it right now, this thing finishing will be like getting out of an abusive relationship with a partner who only gives a shit about themself, but you always end up coming back too!

All things considered though, I actually feel pretty happy. I’ve got this real happy vibe thing happening. It’s hard to explain but it’s like, I don’t feel fucked off anymore. I did for so long. It’s amazing how long someone can carry anger around with them. I’ve seen what it does to if you stay angry for too long; it eats you up inside, turns your heart to stone, and turns everyone in the world against you. It’s too easy to be angry. It’s hard to let go of those things that made you that way.

Maybe a lot of it has to do with not feeling so alone anymore. And also because I had a good hair day today! It was one of those days where I could flick my hair around like a real fashion model and it would sit just right. Isn’t it amazing how good hair days can make you feel happy.

I often wonder though about the cycle of such things. We can’t be happy all the time, just like we can’t be angry or pissed off all the time. But we all know people who always seem to be happy, or pissed off. And we seem to go through periods were we are more happy than angry, and other periods where we are more angry than happy. I went through a two year period where I was really angry every single day. I hated everything from the moment I woke up, till the moment I went to bed. I even got to a point where I thought I would never be able to feel happy again. I felt so empty and hollow and worthless that I couldn’t even face walking outside in the sunlight. I had about 20 grams of speed in the house at the time and I thought about eating it all then and there and ending the pain. I didn’t because I honestly could not leave my mother behind like that. It would have destroyed her. But the experience gave me an understanding of what must go through the mind of someone who does desire and facilitates their own mortal end.

That seems so long ago. Another lifetime almost. Things are very different for me now. I sit here in my gezillig art deco apartment, surrounded by the quaint and kitch material possessions that I’ve accumulated like a human bower bird. And I think, there is nothing really wrong in my life anymore.

Just as a bit of a distraction, my place has a striking resemblance to mums back home on the Gold Coast in the vibes it gives off; very homey and laid back. I suppose the reason for that is because we carry home around with us in our hearts and whenever we settle somewhere we make that place in hommage to those deep feelings of comfort.

So anyway, sure there are small things I would change, and even bigger things than the small things, but overall, I wouldn’t radically change anything. It’s all worked out fine. Is this just another cycle though? Is there another time coming in two years where I will be really fucked off with everything again, and my heart will become stone, and I will view the world with suspicious eyes?

Everything moves in circles, but does that mean we travel ones from the past in the future? Where does the circle start and end; with happiness or sadness? A high point or low point in life? Or is life just this totally fluid thing where we simply pass through these states of being as we inexoriably follow a meandaring course through the landscape of time?

What do I think? Well, I think life tests you. It makes certain periods difficult because it wants to see if you are serious about doing something; it wants to see how committed you are to a course of action. After all, if something is easy, there isn’t any personal gain in acheiving it. So I don’t think my past will repeat itself, because I’ve earned my right to live this life I have now.

Which reminds me of a saying that an old bedouin man told me when I was in the Egyptian sinai penninsula some years back. He said, “The paradise of the oasis can only be found by burning oneself on the sand of the desert”. Today, I believe I know what he meant as he held my hand and told me that.

Padwanna!