Mentalechoes

*cue Mission Impossible theme tune, and that guy who gives those bastard missions to Jim*

Andy, todays mission, should you choose to accept it (I will cause I’m sick of walking everywhere) is to buy another bike from a legal seller for 50 euros or less within 2 hours! This message won’t self destruct in 5 seconds because then you would have to buy another computer and I know that’s out of your league right now!

*sound of a record being scratched in the background as I take that stupid tune off the imaginary record player*

So once again I have to go and buy another bike because my last one got stolen. I only had the thing for 3 months too. Probably by some crackheads, but more likely by well organised crackheads with a van and electric bulkcutters and angle grinders who steal bikes for a living! See Amsterdam is not only famous for tulips, windmills, hookers and hash, it’s also the bike theft capital of the world! Mind you, that’s because it is the bike capital of the world as well, so one goes with the other. You can buy a bike off any street junkie for around 20 euro, and it may last you 10 years, or it might fall to peices right out from under you 50 meters up the road. That’s the chance you take with a quick junkie sale. You also gotta be a bit careful with the cops, if they catch you buying a bike from a junkie they’ll take you down to the station and you’ll get stiffed with a fine while the junkie fella will go about his day free as a bird. More than likely laughing his head off at the nice smelling bloke who got busted buying some overpriced peice of shit that didn’t have a chain anyway! No point busting junkies is the attitude here, it doesn’t matter to them. Honest (or semi-honest) citizens really get peeved over this sort of thing though and might actually not do it again after the first time if the fine is right!

So yeah, the great bike hunt has begun! I have a few starting criteria to narrow the search down.

* No cable brakes - They rust and stop working after a time! Generally you find out at speed approaching a 5 way intersection with a crazed turkish cab driver lining you up for a roadkill using his mercedes symbol as a targetting sight!

* No gears, just the one is fine - Gears tend to shred with all the work the bike does, and the maintenance it doesn’t get! The last time I had gears on a bike, I was going up a slope and the mechanism broke and I started to freewheel. I totally wasn’t expecting it and fell forward into the top frame bar using my testicles as an airbag! I don’t know which scream was louder; the scream of pain from my balls being crushed, or the scream of terror from the oncoming traffic as I was now in the middle of the road half blind with stars in my eyes. No gears!

* No leather seat - while they do mould to your arse and feel comfortable, the black leather dye also rubs off onto your pants and makes you look you shit yourself! Nothing turns a woman off faster than the thought of an adult man who is isn’t toilet trained! A vinyl seat will be just great, thank you very much!

So the rules of hunting are

* Never seem to keen, they’ll keep upping the price until you are shocked and going to walk away. Just look shocked straight away, grab your head and scream “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING?! WHAT ABOUT MY CHILDREN! I COULD BUY MICROSOFT FOR THAT FUCKING AMOUNT OF MONEY”!

* Always pretend you are dutch, as locals get a cheaper price. Shrug off not being able to speak fluently as some kind of mental retardation caused by a crack/sex overdose. It sounds half plausable - I’d believe it if someone told me that - and will likely get you sympathy and perhaps a little envy from the ubiquitous male second hand bike retailer!

* Appear like you know everything about dutch politics and Queen Beatrix (bless her heart for she is a sweet woman). If your broke retard act doesn’t work, you can go to plan B and ingratiate yourself with the seller by chatting about the Dutch folks two favourite conversation topics!

* Insist on a test drive! Extensive NASA research has shown that most peices of shit bikes will disintegrate to dust in the first minute of use. Get this first minute out of the way before giving the snake any money. If the worst happens you can just drool down the front of your jacket, smile and walk away and leave him with the mess. If you pay first, then he’ll be doing the same thing to you, in which case you’re fucked!

The hunt is now officially on!

Padwanna!