Mentalechoes

I go through these times in life where I feel sorry for myself because I feel life is such a big struggle and there’s so many problems, that even to do something simple requires so much effort. I was (am) going through one of those periods now, where everything feels like so much fucking effort. But then, I don’t think I’m alone. I know that for those of us living in the northern hemisphere, many are starting to get tired of the long winter and short days. February always seems hardest, you’ve had enough snow and ice already by this time, the novelty has worn off, and yet you know there another six odd weeks to go before there is some easing of the sub zero temperatures outside.

Ahh, it’s more than that though, when I am going through one of these feel-sorry-for-myself periods I spend so much time being angry it scares me. I wake up angry; I go to work angry; I come home angry; I go to sleep angry. My whole life seems angry because everything seems out of control to some degree. It’s at times like these that I can become very introverted and self centered. In years gone by I’ve looked for answers in strong liquor and white lines, even though I’d know it’s the worst thing you could do, and there’s no answers to be found. I’d do it anyway!

Then something happened to me on wednesday night that made me realise something about life. But I’ll get to that in a minute. I don’t want to get ahead of myself. As I was lying on the couch staring aimlessly at MTV a tune came on that I hadn’t heard before - Big City Life by Mattafix. It had this slow easy electronic reggae beat that kind of wraped around me like a blanket making me feel warmer somehow. The voice the singer had I could only describe as beautiful; it was strong and yet soft at the same time, the kind of voice that can really travel deep into your thoughts with its haunting tones. The tune itself tells a story of how life (in the city of London) can be a hard struggle each day filled with hardship, but for all that, life is short and the struggle (and the city) are worth it because it’s all over all too soon.

I downloaded the track and just set winamp to play it on repeat… over and over and over again. I must have lay on the couch for two hours with this tune going on repeat as I channel surfed on the TV with it’s sound down. The whole feeling and emotion of the song seeped into me as images from the TV played in front of me eyes.

Time passed and I started to see something; a message in the words and pictures that amalgamated in my conscience. All life is a struggle; all of our lives are a struggle; all the people in the world struggle each day! Some people struggle more and some people struggle less, but we all struggle. Then a memory from many years ago came to the front of my consciousness.

It was a bright sunny day of summer back in ‘01, and I was down the park with a friend of mine, Nick. I had just broken up with my then girlfriend because I had found out she had cheated on me with another guy, and the news had broken me inside. Nick was a good mate and sat there listening to me as I pissed and moaned in his ear for a couple of hours about the whole thing. At some point I said to him, why the fuck are there so many obstacles in life and why does everything have to be such a struggle? He thought about it for a second and then looked at me and said, you know you have these people who are always saying, next month when I get paid and buy a new pair of jeans or shoes, or whatever I will be happy. In six months when I have gotten past this obstacle or this issue in life I will be happy. Next year when I get a new car, or a new girlfriend or boyfriend I will be happy. These sorts of people will never be happy because they don’t understand that life isn’t about getting past the obstacles and the struggles; obstacles and struggles are what life is all about! Without them, life has no meaning! Simply living means we will always have obstacles and struggles, but if we look at them as giving our lives purpose, instead making our lives shit, then each day you can find happiness no matter what the circumstances. That was one of the wisest things anyone has ever passed on to me. It’s such a shame I can’t remember this every day of my life, instead of every few years.

In some way that I really can’t explain to you, as I lay there watching different channels playing different stories of life across the world, I started to feel better knowing that I don’t struggle alone. We might struggle with our own obstacles and problems alone, but we don’t struggle alone in this life. For the first time in a few days, focusing on something other than my own life, I could feel some of my own anger slip away. Just the act of empathasing with someone else made me feel better about myself. Perhaps I will never understand why, but really, I don’t need too because in the end life is too short to lose precious moments trapped in bubbles of sadness of our own making.

Life will always be a struggle, but you know I wouldn’t want to give either of them up. I like my big city life too much!

Padwanna!