Mentalechoes

I decided to have a late dinner tonite, a midnight supper as it were. The hunger pains got to the point where I couldn’t ignore them, so I decided to cook something quick; a couple of spiced beef mince rissoles and a diced up vege burger. I am fairly impressed with vegeburgers at the moment, they’re the product of soyabeans and good old fashioned manmade know-how, which is why they taste so good. I’m impressed by how far food technology has come from the days when vegeburgers used to taste like wet cardboard, and looked like compressed baby shit.

The television is on in the background, MTV is playing. There is some Hollywood breakup special show being shown. Periodically I glance over and watch comedians take the piss out of the very public breakups of some of todays hottest stars. It reminds me of a circus with trained monkeys dressed up in brightly coloured costumes. It all seems to skin deep and fake that after a while I just can’t watch it anymore, and so I turn the television off.

The silence feels good.

I look out the window in the computer room now and take in the view of the dark road outside, lit by intervals of street lights that seem to lead me purposefully to a large advertising billboard displaying a beautiful woman and some beauty cream product. It’s nice to see her sultry smile, and I wonder what the real woman is doing right now, and if someone is actually looking at her smile like that in a room somewhere.

It’s cold tonight though. The skin on my arms and legs prickles with the coolness of the air that seems to grab at me from time to time. My central heating is on, and apparently it’s 21 degrees, but it feels colder… much colder. Perhaps it’s the darkness which makes it feel that way. It’s always colder when it’s dark, even if you are in a heated room. I notice as if for the first time that I am sitting here in the flat in the dark except for one reading light that’s on next to the computer.

Light versus dark.

I hope I don’t dream tonight. My dreams are nightmares and they are recently they have been getting stronger. I always seem to have nightmares these days, I don’t know why. I can’t remember the last time I dreamed something happy and nice. Most nights now, around the time of the witching hour I wake up from a bad dream with feelings of dread, and that I am being watched. Some nights I have to scream myself awake to leave a place in my mind that terrifies me. I’m becoming used to the nightmares, but not enough that I lose my fear of the dark in my bedroom.

Not to worry, they’re only dreams, and dreams can’t hurt you.

Padwanna!