Mentalechoes

“So why don’t you have a girlfriend then”? Was the blunt question put to me as I was filling up a coffee cup with hot chocolate in the kitchen.
“Well… because I don’t want one”! I replied to him in an offhand manner.
“Are you gay”? He fired straight back at me, in that disconcertingly tactless dutch manner that the dutch are infamous for.
“No I’m not gay, I just couldn’t be bothered with all the hassles of another cross cultural relationship again”. It made sense in my head, but I guess it didn’t make any sense to him because he screwed his nose up in a way that said he thought I was speaking bollocks!

Well maybe I was, and maybe I wasn’t. The truth is I don’t really know why I don’t have a girlfriend, and so if I don’t know, how was I supposed to answer the question. But he had me thinking about why he asked if I was gay. This seems to be something that gets asked of me from time to time with enough regularity that I wonder if I, in some way, I give off some sort of subliminal gay vibe.

It’s not like I haven’t had offers from potential girlfriends over the last few years. But somehow for one reason or another, it hasn’t worked out. Either because of them, or because of me. Which is to say, they weren’t what I was looking for. At some point during the dating process, some sort of criteria wasn’t met, and that would be it from my side.

“Did you used to have a girlfriend”? The collegue asked.
“Yeah a couple of years ago, but she’s left the country now, and lives somewhere else with someone else”.
“And you’ve not found someone else”? It sounded to me like an accusation, but I figured it was just this guy.
“Err… yeah… no, I haven’t”.
“Is that a yes or a no”?
“That’s a no. There’s really not that many free women around you know”.

It’s true too. Dutch people seem to pair off early, like around 15 or so at school. By the time they get to 19 they are already giving advice to each other about how to keep a long term relationship fresh and the sex interesting. I have no idea how they manage to find life partners on one date as a kid, but they do. Seriously! When I was 16 a long term relationship was the whole weekend. Once I started having sex at 17 it was measured in hours. It wasn’t until I became 19 that I had my first really seriously relationship that lasted all of a one year. How dutch people can get into relationships so early and stick with them is another one of those cross cultural idiosyncracies that totally baffles me, much like quantum physics and how Britney Spears music is popular. At any rate, if you’re a 30 something single foreign guy in Amsterdam, you’d best sign up to expatica.com (a foreign expats community site) to improve your dating chances otherwise you better get used to living in a desert!

“You know what you’re problem is”? He said to me as he hit the button on the coffee machine to dispense a strong cappucino into a new white plastic disposable cup.
“I’m way too good looking for this country… and I’m way too funny”!
“No, that’s not right”. His face deadpan serious as he said this. I wondered if he even was aware of the fact I was being sarcastic. Probably not! “You’re looking for a dream. Why don’t you try looking for a woman instead”!

I walked back to my desk and stared out the window for a while, waiting for an answer or sign from God to fly past. Was I chasing dreams? Was I chasing anything at all? I didn’t really know. But it kind of nagged at me how he was close to a mark that I didn’t even want to admit was there under my surface. I decided then that I was going to do something about it and make it easier to meet women and date them. Dropping a couple-a-hundred items of the criteria list was a good place to start, I thought. I’ll get around to it soon too, I made a promise to myself.

Whether I do or not is another thing entirely!

Padwanna!