RSS Mental Echoes
Ambition
It was the middle of the week and I was at gym, as usual, doing a brutal workout as usual when I saw a friend over by a peice of equipment. Well maybe friend is a bit too familiar for how I really know this guy, he’s more like an aquantance, whenever we see each other we usually spend a bit of time chatting in between exercise sets. He was telling me about his experience trying to get a job with google here in Amsterdam. It wasn’t going so well because they are pretty much about as unorganised as you can get and still be called an “organisation”. He asked me how things were going at my work and I responded with, “aaaaahhhhhh… yeeeaaahhhhhhh… surrrreeeeee… it’s alright”. Which is what I always say when someone asks me about work. We chatted a bit more and he asked would I be looking for another job soon, and I said to him, no not really I’m comfortable where I am so I don’t have a lot of reasons to move. He laughed and looked at me and said, “Yeah exactly, same for me. You know I’m 35 years old now and I wonder if I’ve got any ambition at all”.
Those words struck a resonating chord within me, and I’ve been wondering ever since if I have any ambition at all either. A little while later he came over to say goodbye and left, yet that discussion has been ringing in my ears ever since.
Do I have any ambition? Well I know I do on some sort of intellectual conceptual level, but I can’t seem to focus the massive amounts of motivation, energy and willpower to create a systematic motion of achieving goals that is the reality part of realising ambition.
A lot of my life is spent trying to put together lifestyle components which will lead to goals being achieved; I’ve intensified my exercise routine because I have a very specific level of health and image that I am trying to reach; I write here on this blog and in a journal to hone my technical and artist writing skills as a means to reach a level of proficiency that I can undertake a novel project, and a screenplay; I even try to interact at the fringes of certain society groups to find experiences to write about. But somehow, there still seems to be lacking certain elements that are key to actually achieving the high level ambitions I have in life.
I’m 37 now. For the first time in all my long life I am aware of the press of time, because I am neither young nor old. I sit in this sweet spot where I have as assets, wisdom, knowledge, skill, experience, a couple of ideas, and time. The thing is it won’t last. Time is ever moving, and to sit idle in contemplation for too long could very possibly see the sun set on any opportunities I want to create.
So I guess for me now, this is the time where I get to look deep and hard inside of myself and find out if I actually do have any ambition at all.
Padwanna!
Posted: April 22nd, 2006 under General Rant.
Comments: 6
Comments
Comment from pippi
Time: April 22, 2006, 10:24 am
He Padwanna,
I guess you forgot one of your ambitions, love seems to cloud our minds. I am still waiting for your book to come out or one off your movie scripts, how are they coming along? It seems that you are a great puzzler, knowing who i am just by two recolactions ( is that how you pronounce it? ) I did not even tell you about all my proffesions because then i would make it to easy for you. I dare you to tell me my name if you are right, i’ll come clean. Enjoy you’re love because like you said it can be over soon, allthough you can alsso make itlast longer. Bye Pippi
Comment from Anonymous
Time: April 23, 2006, 12:43 pm
Yes, do tell…how are the book and scripts coming along?
Comment from hsmade
Time: April 26, 2006, 12:10 pm
Hey man,
what is this thing about ambition? It’s worthless I think. I think your personal life is the most important thing and work is just for supporting this personal life. Not the other way around. And time pressure.. well I’m not quite 37 yet, but I think that if you start to think like that, you’ll never enjoy life any more. I think that every day of your life can be the last one, so you better enjoy it!
HSmade
Comment from Padwanna
Time: April 26, 2006, 1:26 pm
Hi Pippi,
Well my creative projects are sitting there for the moment, without too much effort on my side. I know that will change as time passes because the focus of life with change naturally enough on it’s own. But rest assured, if (when) I complete my novel project, you will get a signed copy! Promise! 
Daring me to say your name Lillian, what happened to your need for secrecy?
Take care, and I’ll read you again soon!
Padwanna!
Comment from Padwanna
Time: April 26, 2006, 1:30 pm
Hi Anon,
Well concerning the book, I have the reference pictures from London courtesy of one of my friends living over there. I’ve worked out the story line which has been developed using index cards, and so all that needs to be done is me sitting down and actually putting words onto the computer.
On the movie script, that is about 1/4 done, and needs me to keep working it at. Which I need to make a plan to sit down and finish. At a rough guess, I’d say it needs about 100 hours work to complete it.
Comment from Padwanna
Time: April 26, 2006, 1:36 pm
Hi there Hsmade,
As with everything else in life, it’ all about perspective. You say ambition is worthless, but I say that it is the force that drives us to become better than what we are.
Like all things, ambition can be both a positive and negative force, which depends on the intent of the person in question.
Yes every day can be our last, but the reality is it probably won’t, and so we have the ability to choose what we will do with the time we have. Without any ambition we would simply do nothing, and live a life devoid of any satisfaction and meaning.
The desire to be better today than we were yesterday is ambition in its simplest form, and the way in which we acheive those things we most want.
How can that be a bad thing?
Padwanna!
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