Mentalechoes

I’ve got a big dutch exam in 4 hours which I’m shitting myself about. I need to get a good pass with this or I won’t be able to sign up for the level 2 course which begins at the end of this one. That would be bad!

I’m going to need to speak dutch so I can convince a dutch film producer to give me and my filmmaking partner money to shoot a short film in 2007. I could speak to someone in english, but the chances of actually getting money are much better if you can speak dutch because as was explained to me, if you can speak dutch your social standing in the community goes up 200%.

Always though, in these moments of extreme pressure that I find it easiest to procrastinate. How come I don’t have a stress gland like everyone else?

Padwanna!

I’m at home with a neck injury today. I’ve managed to strain the muscles and ligaments on the top of my spine and neck on saturday when I was in the gym doing heavy back exercises. Everything hurts right now; moving, sleeping, sitting up, lying down, not moving at all. It’s one of those rare injuries where doing nothing actually results in pain.

I’m a bit of a masochist when it comes to gym pain, I like that feeling of having sore muscles from intense exercise. Sort of lets you know you’re fit and firing on all cylinders. I like gym for the way that you can see yourself improving day to day too. Being able to lift a weight today that you couldn’t lift a week ago is very motivating and extremely ego boosting. This injury though is the flipside to that. It’s going to be a week before I can exercise again, and I can’t sleep properly because when I turn, I wake up from the shock of the feeling of having my head ripped off! What I wouldn’t give for some morphine vials. A shot of that and it’s cloud nine for six blissful hours.

Anyway, I can’t see my doctor till friday, by which time it will be well and truly on the mend. I really need some serious drugs now, but short of going into the red light district and trying to sort out some ketamine from a street dealer, I am not sure I am going to get any. Next time I’m sorting out party favours I have to remember to ask about an emergency supply of blackmarket painkillers. Thailand and India are great for that kind of thing. Chemist shops there have everything for the price of a few euro, no questions asked. I brought back a pack of 100 valium from Bangkok that I got over the counter with just a smile and handful of baht. Truly it’s a capatilist country!

Now I need to go and rest as the burning ache in my shoulders is telling me that typing is not a recuperative position. This is really starting to annoy me.

Padwanna!

I read that short term goal setting is the way to achieve things in life, so I’m going to set a few short term goals now to help me become an overacheiver!

-1- Win the European Lottery. The 40 million euro prize money can be put to good use in achieving the other nine goals.

(Subsequent goals are now made from the perspective of me being absolutely filthy stinking rich)

-2- Learn how to fly a helicopter! Such transportation would greatly reduce wasted time on public transport as well as saving me getting wet hair from having to ride my bike in the rain.

-3- Buy a helicopter. Preferable one of those ones that is a hybrid helicopter/bike that the dutch were going to invent! Great for being able to go for rides on the Amsterdam dykes with friends in summer, and still be able to fly away as is needed!

-4- Film an award winning Indie film that wins the Cannes Film Festival. As I would prefer to work in the film industry, rather than in IT!

-5- Buy an island off the coast of Australia and declare it a sovereign nation. I’ll call it Padwannaland! That way I can make up my own laws and break the ones I feel are really worth it, and not get in trouble with the law!

-6- Join a circus! I love to travel and meet strange and exotic people. By becoming a circus member I get to combine the two activities into one! The best way to join a circus would be to buy one and then travel with them because as the owner noone tells you what to do! Which is good because I hate to work when I am travelling!

-7- Get full sleeve arm tattoos. They make a good conversation starter when you are sitting somewhere exotic! This probably wont help me do anything else in life, but they will look interesting!

-8- Publish my own book! Then go out and buy 5000 copies of it through amazon.com so I get into the bestseller list! People will see this and buy it themselves thinking it’s really good.

-9- Make a reality TV show about how completely crap reality TV shows are, and how people hate them! At least I will have contributed something to TV instead of punishing innocent viewers with yet another crappy TV show… or not! Maybe it will be crap, but it doesn’t matter because I own my own island and TV will be banned there, so it won’t affect any Padwannalanders.

-10- Get a haircut! (The ends are becoming a bit split, and looking like a hippy is so 70’s).

Padwanna!

I had the strong feeling today that I am once more slipstreaming through daily life as an individual alone in this world, behind a bunch of other individuals trying do the same thing I’m trying to do, which is go somewhere. I mean that metaphorically and not literally; meaning we are trying to do something with our lives, not physically move from where we live to someplace else. After all, we’re not some sort of hive mind like the borg, or soldier ants, or bees, or any of those other hive beasties. No, instead we’re all unique in mind and body and we all are trying to acheive something in some way that makes sense to us.

I had a lot of different conversations today with lots of different friends and a relative, and I heard about how every single one of those people was trying to do something, or was looking at life in some particular way. I talked about some of these people to other people, and other people to yet other people. Some people would laugh, or show concern at the actions of others and some wouldn’t understand at all why someone would do something like the other was doing. There wasn’t much in the way of common ground except for one thing; we all wake up in the morning and do something!

I used to spend time in my younger years trying to do things that others would approve of, for whatever reason. I guess to some extent it was because I wanted to do things that others would consider worthwhile and give some measure of respect for. But seeing life in the light that was being cast today by my thoughts, I see that really the only person who our lives are going to make any sense to is ourselves, so the judgement of others isn’t a measure of anything meaningful. However this thinking also reveals another truth. By understanding our own life in a more complete way, we can live our life to our highest personal ideals, and acheive those things that most matter to us. Such a life would be one of total fulfilment and been seen as worthwhile by those who had acheived the same understanding in their own lives. The opinion of those who have not made such a leap of understanding should only be heard as silence to our own ears, for such things would be worth nothing.

“Know thyself”! (Bonus points if you can tell me what movie this is out of and where it was seen!)

I’ll think about this some more I think.

Padwanna!

I stood at the counter of the traiteur looking at the delicious turkish foods behind an immaculately clean glass case trying to decide what I would eat from the fine selection they had. A fat man in his late 40’s walked in with two small kids in tow, probably somewhere around 4 and 6 years old they were. The fat man looked intently at the food, barely keeping his drool in his mouth, whilst the kids starting walking around obviously not hungry at all. The youngest one, a boy, saw me looking at him in front of the food display and he promptly opened up his mouth and stuck his tongue out at me. The chewing gum he was masticating rolled off his tongue and on to the floor in front of my shoes. I couldn’t help but laugh at the surprised look that followed on his face when he realised what it was that had fallen on the tiles next to my feet. He quickly turned to see if the fat man was watching – which he wasn’t – then bent over, picked up the gum, and stuck it back in his mouth. Err… what?! I couldn’t really believe he had just done that because who the fuck puts gum back in their mouth thats just dropped on a shop floor?! Well kids do I guess. I laughed again, and the little guy actually laughed along with me as if knowing he’d just done something pretty unusual (and gross). The fat man then received his order of food and out he went with the kids in tow. The little guy turned and waved to me as he went out, probably happy in the knowledge he had done a good deed for the day in making me smile.

Now there’s a kid who really understands the concept of; waste not, want not!

Padwanna!

Seriously has it been a week since I was here. It feels like only yesterday.

I woke up this morning to one of the most nostaglic moments that I have experienced in a long time. As usual my alarm went off at 8am which is tuned into a local radio station. The first few bars of Don’t You (Forget About Me) was playing by Simple Minds. I hadn’t even opened my eyes at this point and the memories of a day and night 21 years ago began to play across my mind like short movie clips on late night TV.

I was 16 years old and me and a friend, a lovely young girl named Tanya bought tickets to see them together in Bris-vegas. We lived on the Gold Coast at the time so we had to take the train to the “big city” and stay overnight. Tanya and I were not going out together then, and so this was meant to be a friends trip. I had never been away from the Gold Coast on my own; had never been to a big music concert; had never seen a big city before; and had never taken a girl out anywhere more exotic than McDonalds. It was an amazingly scarey-exciting-brand-new experience where every minute burned itself into my mind.

As Jim Kerr sang his way through the tune, I could remember seeing him jumping across the stage at the Brisbane Entertainment Center in his black tights and black felt boots and green jacket with the band behind him. There was a spectacular display of lights and lazers and big concert effects all around, and I was wildly caught up in the rushing human tide as it rode the music crescendo like a surfer does a big wave. I also remembered Tanya, and how looking at her was doing things to my young emotional heart. Strange and wild things that I had never experienced before.

I opened my eyes and thought about that night of the concert and the day that followed. Tanya and I went back to her Aunty’s house and stayed there. Her aunty left us alone in the living room and the two of us stayed up talking. I had never really talked to a girl before and it stirred something inside of me. That night we lay next to each other holding hands and talking. Just talking. We talked to the small hours of the morning before falling asleep. It was an innocent and beautiful moment in my young life; a night that would be unique and defining in all the years to come. The next day we caught the train back home and I raved about that night for weeks afterwards. Tanya and I did get together a couple of months later and spent a year as boyfriend and girlfriend before our lives took us in different directions.

Laying in bed, another peice of conversation with my mother played in my head after Jim had finished his ballad. A few weeks ago Mum told me that Tanya had died a little over a half a year ago. She had developed a very agressive cancer and it killed her in only a few months. She did not suffer much thanks to the comfort of modern chemistry. She had two daughters and a husband when she left. I often thought about Tanya in the years that followed, and then every once and a while in my life after I left Bris-vegas. She was a special girl, and she gave me some special memories which I won’t ever forget. I feel that those memories are worth something more now that Tanya is not here. In some small way, perhaps my cherished memories are another light to illuminate her wonderful life.

After some time I slid off the bed and went to the shower. My day had started, and with it came the busy never ending rush of things to be done that takes our minds off the things that are really important; the happiness of our own heart, and our relationships with our friends and family who are a part of our lives. Jim Kerr though stuck in my mind and so did thoughts of Tanya. I can only think that these echoes from the past are here to remind me to take something good from each day, because in the end, they are the only thing we take with us when it’s our time to move on.

RIP Tanya, you will be missed.

Padwanna!

It’s 6.30am, and I’m up.

I can’t remember the last time I actually got up at 6.30am, it’s been so long. Maybe it was 5 years ago, maybe 10. Normally the only way I see 6.30am is from being up the night before and seeing the sunrise. Then you know you’ve had a good night out, a night out worth telling someone about.

The sunrise is already well past as I look out my living room window. It’s going to be a beautiful day, I can see that already; the sun is throwing golden beams of warm light wide across the horizon, and the sky is a cloudless subtle blue-grey. There’s almost no wind, a feeling of post dawn stillness still sits in the air. There isn’t any of the bustling rushing activity going on yet that I associate with mornings. But then my morning isn’t usually due to start for another 2 hours yet.

I don’t hate being up at 6.30am like I thought I would. I’m not a natural morning person, I’m much more the night owl type who prefers to stay up late and sleep late. I like the darkness of the night and the artificial light of electric fires. But there is something peaceful and sweet about 6.30am that is comforting to me as I sit here at my computer about to start some work. In the background I put on some soothing lounge tunes to set a nice ambience for the slowly evolving movie of the world waking up outside my window, and I’m struck by just how picturesque the whole vision of the scene really is.

Perhaps I could do this again. There is something lovely about the early morning that I had forgotten about, something worth touching every now and then which the night can’t give you.

Yes, it’s all very pretty at 6.30am

Padwanna!

I don’t normally this kind of thing I am doing right now, as my blog is not some kind of philanthropic do-gooder space, but I was so moved by the plight of this little girl that I simply felt compelled to try to help her in some small way.

A little girl of 5 years old in Australia who goes by the name of Sophia Delezio was critically injured when a car smashed into her (wheelchair like) buggy a day ago. If this isn’t bad enough, this is the second accident to nearly claim her life in 3 years. The first was when a car smashed into her day care center and she was pinned under a burning wreck which ultimately claimed both her feet and some fingers off one hand.

Here is the story extract taken from The Australian Age newspaper.

Bravest little girl in the world
By Catharine Munro, Daniel Dasey
May 7, 2006

SOPHIE DELEZIO — facing her second fight for survival — will be on life support for at least three weeks after being struck by a car driven by an 80-year-old man.

The five-year-old has multiple rib fractures, a smashed jaw, broken shoulder bone and bleeding in the left lung after the accident on Friday.

Well-wishers have left candles, flowers, teddy bears and messages of support for the “bravest of the brave” outside the Sydney hospital where she is once again defying the odds.

Her doctor, Jonny Taitz, said she had surprised him by fighting back from after being critically injured in the accident — the second to almost claim her life in almost three years.

“She really is a fighter,” Dr Taitz said, adding she had already proved doctors wrong the first time round.

“I didn’t believe she would survive that first day (of the first accident). Everything she has done subsequently has proved the medical profession wrong.”

Doctors at Sydney Children’s Hospital were concerned that vessels around her heart may have been damaged when she was run down in a heartbreaking sequel to the 2003 car crash in which she lost both feet. She also suffered burns to 85 per cent of her body when a car crashed into her child-care centre in Fairlight, Sydney.

Sophie’s father, Ron, said he could not believe the bad luck.

“We were devastated when we heard the news from our carer, but you have got to just put your chin up and keep going,” he said. “I don’t know whether it is bad luck or if I have done something bad in the past and it’s just coming back.”

Mr Delezio spent the night at Sophie’s bedside with her mother, Carolyn Martin.

Ms Martin’s god-daughter, Rebecca Myhre, pushed Sophie’s stroller on to the crossing before it was struck. Sophie’s mother was told she was thrown between 15 and 20 metres. Doctors said the car was travelling about 60 km/h. Sophie had just left her school.

Mr Delezio said the accident was not Ms Myhre’s fault and the family did not blame her.

He said the crossing’s location was dangerous. Locals had been lobbying authorities to change its design and install traffic lights. The NSW Roads and Traffic Authority announced yesterday that it would install traffic signals.

Dr Taitz said: “She is the sickest patient I have ever looked after in my 12 to 13 years experience here in the UK and South Africa.”

He treated Sophie at the Royal North Shore Hospital after the 2003 accident.

Dr Taitz said she would be on a ventilator for at least three weeks but would not require urgent surgery. After her last accident she underwent relentless rounds of surgery to repair her burnt skin. “I just can’t believe that one family can be so unlucky,” Dr Taitz said.

A website has been set up for sending messages of support to Sophie and her family. If you feel similarly moved to the tragedy of this little girl, please visit here and pass on your best wishes. I really believe that little things like this will certainly go a long way to giving her and her family courage in the long days ahead with her recovery and beyond.

Many thanks for your time to read this.

Padwanna!

It’s warm tonight. There is a breeze blowing in my back door, which is open, and the sounds of late night drinks and social gatherings carries inside the flat. My little peice of the world tonight is at happily at play, and there are very little cares on anyones mind.

It’s this time right now that is the reward for the long cold winter; a time when everything is fine and beautiful people come together to celebrate life, love, friendship, and good times. It’s something very unique to Europe I think. I haven’t experienced anything quite like this in any other place that I have been in the world. I guess it’s the combination of people, culture, and geography that all coalesce to give us that magical experience which is the European summer.

Maybe also this magical feeling is something that is inside of me right now as well. I have had an epiphany, a moment of enlightment when a path blazed clear and bright in front of my eyes with such clarity that I felt it must have been illuminated by fate. I won’t tell you what it is now. I need some time to do that because it is quite important and I want to do it justice. Right now, my idle distraction is coming over and I want to surrender myself to a night of summer loving. In a couple of days I’ll write about my new found direction in life, and how it has changed me.

I have a feeling it’s going to be a great summer.

Padwanna!