Mentalechoes

Today is the two year anniversary of my friends death. It’s difficult for me to come to terms with the time that’s past since he left. It seems such a long time and short time all at once. There are times when I can almost imagine him still being here, and other times when I wonder if he was here at all. I don’t have any photos of him. He wasn’t really a photo person, you know. Not really the type who enjoyed being put in pictures. So all of my memories of him are just that, memories.

A close friend said to me last night, “what do we really know”? I knew exactly what she meant, we plan our lives with such meticulous detail - actually others not so much me - in an effort to make sure we reduce the unexpected and uncertainity that we experience, but in the end what does it get you? We can’t see what’s coming minute to minute, let alone, year to year. How can you make plans for life when life itself is such a big question mark. All this reminds me of a joke my grade 12 Anglican teacher told the class one day. Know how to make God laugh? Tell him what you’re doing tomorrow.

I remember for the first two months after the funeral, I couldn’t plan anything, not even what I was going to do on the weekend. It seemed farcical to me to plan anything when this illusion of life could be so easily blown away, like so much mist in a strong breeze. I simply stopped being able to do anything that wasn’t in the immediate present. I found it very hard to talk to people, and relate to their everyday lives, and concerns. I remember even walking out of a party because I couldn’t stand the innane crap that some girl kept talking to me about. In hindsight she was only talking about some concerns she had with moving house, but to me it was all very meaningless. If there was no tomorrow, then don’t bother looking there.

Two years on, I feel some of those same feelings today, especially given the events of the last 24 hours, but I realise something now that I didn’t back then. Life is also about hope. With hope comes belief that there can be a tomorrow, that is brighter than today. It’s true that anything can happen at any time, and there is nothing that we can do about that. But if you let that knowledge take hope away from you, then your life quickly becomes meaningless as you stop believing tomorrow will be something worthwhile. For really, as the Dalai Lama said, the purpose of our lives is to be happy.

Still, this sadness at his passing is a part of me for a while longer.

RIP Gav!

Padwanna!