Mentalechoes

In November last year my high school had its 20 year reunion, a big party was organized in Jupiters Casino on the Gold Coast - just south of Bris-vegas – which funnily enough was only 5 minutes bike ride away from the school itself. I didn’t get a chance to go, even though I really wanted to because I couldn’t pay for the trip back home. I was disappointed not to have made it because for me, high school was a lot of fun, and I had some defining moments of my life with those people I shared that time with. I’m lucky I am still close friends with someone from those days, a dear sweet girl who goes by the name Mercedes, who in her typical generous manner sent me a copy of the Reunion Book that included a lot of old pics, and ‘Where are they now’ profiles on the people who went, and some from those who didn’t. It made for quite an interesting read; 20 years on my memory of most of the people has all but faded to a very dim light in the back of my mind, and while I sure couldn’t remember most of the faces, I did recognise a lot of the names.

As I spent time looking through the book I was became absorbed in the history of the people that I had known back in the last years of teen life. We were all so young, and so was the world in 1986 to us, and we knew nothing of life except for the dreams that we proudly held in our hearts and displayed on our faces. The world was innocent, just like we were. 20 years later our high school class has become a microcosm of the possibilities that life can give. Some individuals have achieved great material success; others have travelled far and wide; some have suffered great personal tragedies and overcome things like cancer, divorce, and horrendous accidents; and a few haven’t really done anything noteworthy at all (but seem relatively happy nonetheless). The one thing that did impress me with a couple of individuals was how once or twice during their lives, they completely changed their careers and personal road they were travelling, and put themselves into an entirely new life, with an entirely new way of supporting themselves financially. I think it takes remarkable strength of character, resourcefulness, and determination to do such a thing, and in my eyes, makes that person someone worthy of admiration.

It’s been 20 years since those days of being a kid back at school. I’m still waiting for the maturity bomb to drop on my head. I’m not married, and I don’t have any kids; this still seems to be the benchmark society still uses to determine how “successful” you are. There was only one other girl from the class of ‘86 that has gone the same way – well done Melanie if you ever read this – and I really liked reading how she says she doesn’t regret it, and has a lot of great stories to tell. I can definitely relate to that; mildly twisted on acid in the middle of the African savanna land witnessing a full solar eclipse with the sound of elephants trumpeting in chorus, would be one of mine. For all that though, there does come a time when you want for something more. It’s not enough to live without a purpose, because our life is only meaningful when it is defined by a purpose; something that gives meaning to waking up in the morning. There is nothing that more emotionally debilitating than the slow erosion of our self esteem and personal worth through a pointless existence. I’ve been there a few times in my life, when it seemed all things had turned against me, and there was no point to being awake, and no end in sight. These are lowest times I have experienced, and they are my yardstick for which I measure good times and bad times.

Yet again my thoughts have come around to wondering, what is the point to being here in this place, in this job, at this time. I can’t answer that now. I used to be able to, the fight and the struggle, and daily life all seemed to have purpose a while ago, but not anymore. Home, a place I haven’t known in nearly 10 years now, seems once more to offer me something I’ve lost here in Europe; purpose! What does ‘purpose’ mean, I’m not entirely sure, maybe it’s a wife and kids, I know it’s definitely a career change, to do what I don’t know but it won’t be what I’m doing right now. However what’s there is the promise that what I’m looking for, will be there waiting.

Like the taste of the salt air before you see the beach, you know there is something just over the sand dunes that you can’t see yet, but is very different from what you can see in front of you.

Padwanna!