Mentalechoes

I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test

Changes – David Bowie.

For the last two days my little flat on the outskirts of the center of Amsterdam has been getting a facelift. I've had tradesman in the place for the last two days filling in cracks and painting the walls of the living room, dinning room and the hallway to repair the damage caused by a monumental building fuck-up on the ground floor. It's taken over one year in the courts to get two days worth of work done! I'm still trying to work out if there is anything slower than a first world legal system, but apart from a paralytically drunk, physically crippled sloth, nothing comes to mind. I shouldn't complain though because the end result is pretty fantastic. Gone is the garish purple and maroon that made my place look indistinguishable from an inner city squat, in it's place is a luscious light sandy beach cream colour that looks both stylish and mainstream; something I never quite thought was possible.

It comes at a good time too. It seems life is undergoing many changes as well; the exterior change reflects the interior change relecting the exterior change. It's all very zen, or at least I hope it is and I'm not just finding meaning in nothing. The physical act of changing your living space is always a time of personal growth. Generally we only undertake ch-ch-ch-ch- changes when we have sufferred some sort of trauma (emotional or physical, or both) that takes away the meaning of our lives. It's the reason why some couples go years without doing anything with a flat, and then if they break up, within a very short period of time the whole place is worked over to be something completely new and original and most importantly, without memories of a painful past.

I guess that's what today was for me; a time of putting to bed some of the memories of the past. Nothing will stay in the same place, and so with even the walls being different, I won't recognise it now as a place where there are a lot of memories. Some things are painful to remember still.

I went one step further in my personal ch-ch-ch-ch-changes, it wasn't just my living space that was altered, but myself as well. I'm not talking about in some existential way, no I went and got another tattoo which I had put on my left forearm, top and bottom. It's has a Pali inscription running up the inside of my arm which is the sixth level in the attainment of enlightenment which translates to – in English – "Impossible to conquer"! It's a very personal message to myself; nothing can break you, nothing can beat you; nobody will ever stop you. I'd forgotten these things a while ago, and I think my life suffered for it. It's hard to say how, but it has, even if I still coming to grips with what it is. The tattoo is now my constant reminder that, no matter what, we each have the capacity to overcome any obstacles in our lives, and that the only person who can break us, is ourselves. A shame it doesn't work for taking pain away. But I suppose without out, how would we grow?!

So the rest of the week I will continue to put the living room and dining room back together in a new way, not seen before, and at the same time, watch my arm heal. As they both settle and become more comfortable, I hope through a process of osmosis that feeling will find its way into my life.

Padwanna