The old photograph collection I have from the years of my 30’s has been buried in the back of a cupboard at the back of my flat for a time longer than I can remember. They never came out at all in the last few years, and I’d really forgotten that the albums filled with at a thousand glossy paper memories existed until this weekend when I undertook a massive flat wide clean up. As I pulled the volumes out of the dark and into the light of day I flipped through the pages all filled back to back with frozen moments and brought forward to consciousness a flood of experiences I had given up.
It was a profound feeling; surreal in the blur of emotions that whirred through heart with each turn of the plastic holders. I looked at the pictures of the younger me, surrounded by the younger people I knew, some of them still in my life, others gone like last summers sun shine, and remembered.
I was a different person back then, happier, more carefree, yet always intense and chasing something deeper and constantly moving. Many of the pictures showed me now what I had failed to see back then too; that there were people with a deep feeling for me, that went beyond what words they would say.
Looking back I could see me then and look at a person that was free from the realities that were to come, but also see a person who constantly doubted everything that he saw around him and felt like he had to push forward onto something else that he could barely understand; a future free from doubt.
It led to this place here and now.
I guess the thing for me is that the photos showed that the people we are and were are not separate, but the same, we simply choose to forget or ignore those sides of ourselves that time moves into the background, but they are not ever truly lost. Our essential self can always change and modify as we grow with time, but we never have to leave behind the best parts of ourselves that we want the most. It seems as we get older the pressure of life always makes us feel that things get harder, but I think that’s just how we interpret changing responsibilities, and that our position becomes one where more is at stake with each decision we take.
Looking through those pics I was reminded of some important things, and for me at least, it has made a positive change in remembering the good things about the life I was given. And also, to do something I’ve forgotten to do that is important.
The next 10 years deserves those lessons.
Andy.
